I didn't mean for it to be so long before I posted here again, but I had a nasty demon to do battle with and it wasn't any fun at all. This demon lives in my brain and dozes most of the time but occasionally it comes out to make things miserable. I tried to tiptoe past it's cave, but I got excited and shouted a little too much. Now it is awake. Now it must be dealt with.
Imposter syndrome is a jerk. If you haven't heard of it before, I'll give you my very unprofessional sum-up. It is the feeling of being a fraud, a faker, a lie even when working or speaking in your area of talent or expertise. On one level you know you are pretty dang good at something and have worked to become so, but on this other level you are constantly waiting for people to find out that you actually suck at it. It is not an "if they find out I'm a fraud", it is a "when they find out I am fraud". You know it's going to happen, no matter how hard you try to tell yourself otherwise. It's like low self confidence dropped acid. Awesome, right? Every time I talk about imposter syndrome at least one person (often very intelligent, talented, hard working women that have so much experience and insight to offer) makes that little round 'o' shaped mouth as their own struggle falls in to place in their mind. I am not alone in this fight.
I started writing again after hanging up my pencil sometime in middle school. It has been a strange and wonderful thing, like being reunited with a long lost sweetheart. I had forgotten the feeling of words coming out of my mind, how they can drop one at a time or flow in great waves almost washing me away. I got to rediscover the wonder of reading over something and being sure that it couldn't possibly have come out of me. I love it and, for a newbie, I'm not terrible. If I work at it, I think I have the potential to be pretty good. My main project is the novel draft I have percolating, but I wanted a place to put out short form stuff, random thoughts and flights of fancy, and maybe some story bits. That smelled like a blog, so I started one. It seemed like a really safe thing to do. I might show it to a few friends, but otherwise no one was going to read it. I could say whatever I wanted! If a post came out really cool, great! If it sucked, who cares!
But something wonderful/awful happened: a bunch of you came here to read it. Better/worse still, you liked it.
(Cue sound effect department: sound of monster yawning, yawn transitions to a deep resonant growl and sound of heavy footfalls approaching...)
The demon in my brain woke up and has spent the last few weeks telling me all sorts of things along the lines of: one post about your dog does not a writer make, and that now you will all find out that I am not any good after all. This has not been helped by the fact that everything I have written, this included, has been pretty awful for a little while now. Self-fulling prophecies are only a cliche because they happen all the time.
But here's the thing: I've met this punk before. I was kind of ready. I'm not quite strong enough yet to do any real battle, but if I psych myself up enough I think I can kick it firmly in the shins?
So, here I am, ticking off the demon. I am posting this even though it isn't polished, or funny, or much of anything that I want this blog to be. I am posting it so that anyone who makes it back to my crazy corner of the internet forest can watch while I suck at it and do it anyway. News flash: I'm not a professional writer. I am an aspiring writer who wants to reach out to others bumbling though this world just like I am. I hope that now and then I will post something well written, thoughtful, and a little funny, but I make no promises that I can do that every time or even most of the time. I will promise to always post what is real for me; to always write with care, compassion, and love; and offer the additional benefit that someone who stops by gets to see that perfection is not required, only a desire and willingness to try.
Whatever that thing is that you would love to do, don't listen to the little jerk voices, give it a whirl. You won't be great at it yet and that is not just ok, it is how it is supposed to be. Keep at it and you will get better.
Take my hand, let's go kick this demon's shins really hard!!
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